The Haggled Housewife Blog

In my Haggled Housewife Life the truth hurts.  A lesson I seem to learn over and over again.  Not that I want to or anything.  When Kayla says “Mom, are you really going to wear that?”  I usually grin, gush and giggle and quickly run downstairs to change my top.  When I learned about Cobey’s cavities from the dentist, I cursed literally and figuratively and then said to the dentist as she was comforting Cobey…”You are suppose to be reprimanding him not sympathizing and schmoozing him….”(she had succumbed to his beautiful  boy hood charm and sweet sensitivity).  She kept blotting at this eyes with a soft tissue and patting him on the back.  I on the other hand, play pretended that I hadn’t heard the dentist call out the crazy calculation number. 

Throughout my life I have had many old errors…involving  overlooking or pretending to over look little truths and big truths…such as my shoes aren’t so much scuffed, my roots in my hair did take, my breath is only a little stinky (wink, wink) , my eyesight really isn’t squinty ( I just wear glasses as a fashion statement) (Yeah…I know…. ) I know how to spell, Oprah will finally put me on her show…I can stand up straight, fluff my hair and I didn’t really gain that much weight (yeah…right again….) Trust me the haggled long and lengthy list can go on and on and on….

When it comes to the tough stuff ( the new truth), the real stuff …the heavy heart stuff…I really still struggle and make old errors.   I try to be honest about my life not being perfect (anymore) instead of covering it up..what scares me, angers me, and is overwhelming for me.  When I was younger…only a child…my Grandpa used to say to me and everyone around me… “Lisa… you are just too tenderhearted.”  “You are a worrier and someone who shouldn’t know about anything.”  To my Grandpa this meant it wasn’t a good thing to tell me something sad, mean, unreasonable or worrisome.  He would always say…”Don’t tell Lisa…she is too tenderhearted.” (”She needs to be protected”) I guess as my life went on  I just kept up with the charade over the years…closing my eyes…squinting them tight…looking the other way because I was afraid of conflict, pain, sadness and maybe even compromise.. ( or s—was it just because I wouldn’t wear my glasses?!!!!)(Because he told me that my eyes were really okay)  (Now you know how I think I became my famous big OSTRICH character) (that you know and love)

Honest to you, I probably did it in my first marriage as well as I do it in this marriage, my relationship with my kids, my friends and my parents.  Living in LALA land ( no not California…of course I am from Jersey) but let’s not look at this too closely town…… because it may be too painful, stinks, sucks and hurts is a new truth in its own way. Although it does have it advantages and disadvantages at times…(PRETENDING SOMETHING JUST DOESN’T EXIST) …. I think I just say a beautiful butterfly flutter by… of crap it really was a bumble bee ready to sting me)

When certain  issues come up that I finally stumble upon or really see because they have become compounded due to cover ups, and are literally and figuratively right in front of me… which  I am daily discovering more of  as I am demanding and trying to be more accountable for my GUS stuff.   (It is like a spectacular  firework show of guilt, pain, anger and sadness.  The scene of bright lights, blows and stand off of feelings and emotions.)(For me and for my family )  (You know…the good, the bad and the ugly show)  The sparks from the show…give burns and sores (literal and figurative) and I am trying hard to soothe them with suave and of course a band aide as well… Each of the people in my haggled life getting burnt in their own way. (Me included for sure)

It hurts me and my family and sometimes honest to you…I wish in a weird way…I could just make that old error (I think so do they….too ) and just leave it alone, leave it  unsaid just like I always did… but I am learning that some things really are worth haggling over… they need to be talked about and finally tried to be comprimised with…… trying really hard to respect each persons feelings and wishes…. or before you know it you can be back to where you were before…even  before when you  started…(which is not very brave, strong and smart) (Actually…afraid, weak and stupid… (they are the opposites right?) and as you are learning in this interactive story… I am trying really really  hard to finally get past that silly shallow stage.

Now, I am not going to lie, I truly believe with my heart that I am finally trying to live my life as if it was a process and not a product (Boy did I learn that lesson the hard way) (and boy oh boy is that true) I have lived and probably will continue to life my life at times compromising my integrity, spirit and sense of well being sometimes just for a paycheck, peace of mind and not to make worrisome wave in a pitiful pool.  (You know I only have a baby pool now) Kind of like knowing when the right time is for the FIREWORK Show.    My friend and foe fiery fear has paralyzed me and petrified me into a state of still doing nothing at times  realizing sometimes the repercussions of my actions would be too much for everyone including me. (Nerve is a quality I really don’t have just yet…)

 I guess in this post I just wanted to let you know… I am slowly working on it now…trying to grow…change and yes… I will admit even  to my family (compromise) probably not the way I would like but I am working on it becoming more aware and taking steps, sideways, forward and (s—yeah back) to my old errors and new truths in my not so perfect happy haggled  housewife life.

As I sit this week and try to write a powerful…provocative…post, I think alot to myself as well as out loud and I really wonder….. do I have anything really to share this week…in the Haggled Housewife Life silly shallow saga..or is it just a bunch of blah, blah,blah - that at times it feels like to me.  (It is always a goal of mine not to make my readers snore or soar right through the post.)  I scratch my head and sip my lukewarm coffee with three sweet n lows on this cold crisp morning while I wait for Gary to bring home the three tons of mucky mulch we need to fix and repair the back yard space.  Not to disappoint, miss deadlines and to update…this virtual story….I think the biggest thought or “AHA” I am having is – kind of what I realized last week but I am just kind of learning to confirm… is that when you move…”you” move yourself too!

I don’t know what I expected when I moved to the TLC house, an epiphany of my haggling to come to a halt perhaps.  Surprise, surprise, surprise….I am just haggling with new thingamabobs which I weisinerheimerly refer to as crab apples in the TLC house.  (We have a huge crab-apple tree in the front yard.)  One of them actually hit me on the head and maybe that is how I am having my epiphany…you know my juggling skills ( as well as writing ) (wink,wink) are far from being perfected…I can throw two apples up in the air comfortable…and articulate a tiny compound sentence but when I add the third or fourth crab apple or when it comes to grammatical tenses that when I start to get hit in the head ( and my sentence structure starts to suck).  The crab apples start to fall on the floor and the sentences start to make no sense even to me.

I kind of feel like that about the TLC house.  We have been working soooo hard a trying to make it (comfy, clean, smart, funny, cozy oh..okay just plain live-able(wink, wink).  That I feel like a tell tale cartoon…let’s see if I can use my honesty, humility, humor and right words….Picture one of my homemade slanted signs (out front of the house) held together with duct tape saying…..(Bestest house in Poomont) (then that is crossed out) underneath it it says (Bestest house on East Side of Poomont), (than that’s crossed off) (Bestest house on sophisticated street in Poomont) than that is crossed off)  Finally the sign that is left is BESTEST HOUSE WE CAN HAGGLE WITH IN POOMONT.  That is the sign that has to surely stay and the one I have to learn to feel comfortable with. (You know the …be what you are part….)

I recognized this when I met my new neighbor next door…..”Hello” she said.  “Hey”, I said…”You can finally see the house.”  (Remember I told you the TLC house has not had a haircut in over three years)(GUS terms…no bushes had been trimmed in a least three years)   When you sat down on the front stoop with a little cup of soup…you were enveloped in a big, big bushes…which towered over the house.  “Yes”, she said.  On side note, the mailman politely asked if we had bought the house because he saw me attempting to edge a garden path.  “Nope”, I said…”just renting”.  I said, “Just trying to make it a little easier on the eye…” “Good bye”, STINKY EYES HELLO SWEET EYES….”Good luck”, said the Mailman.  “Thanks”, I said.  Back to the main story……. “The house needs alot of work”, said the neighbor.  “Year after year, people rent the house and just don’t care.” she said.  “Ahhhhh”, I said that is true….”but we are here now and we care…”With the right amount of TLC…the house will be amazing”. ”Come in and see if you want…but we are not finished” Well, of course she wanted….( wouldn’t you?) She peeked around and looked around….”You did alot of work” , she said.  “Yes”, I said.  If it could be painted…Gorgeous Gary painted it ..if it could be covered up and accessorized I did it, with all of our stuff.  We did it for our kids, our self and our sanity and now finally we are almost done.  so it is time for us to go forward..we can’t go back, neither can the house by the way.  The house is  just about  to the point of what we are. 

Now that the summer is almost over..it is back to school, work and football.  It is no doubt that I will start haggling with the same familiar things in my life as well as finally putting trying to put our housing hustling issue aside for awhile. ( all right hopefully alot of while) (Even though I am seriously considering studying for my real estate license now….)  Please remember moving here I promised myself I would finally really start taking care of myself..more time for me…family life and living..not so much worrying and struggling …dare I  even add haggling?!(OH,MY!) 

Till next week’s wild writing (wink, wink)

I would be lying to you this week if I said I was adjusting to the move well.  I still don’t think I really am, despite my attempts to cover up my forced fairy tale of moving stress free from the Haggled House to the TLC house.  I am still haggling, it is what it is, if it isn’t this…it ‘ll be something else. 

I think my patience is running thin as well as I sat on a rusty pin…..which really doesn’t help my mindful mood.

I am physically and emotionally still exhausted and feel as if I am on extended vacation in a not so fancy hotel next to a giant roller coaster that I ride every day.

 (There I said it aloud….) Each day I get up and look around and think to myself …”Okay, when is this rocky ride and ticking time bomb trip over?”  “When am I going home?”  Then I think to myself…. “Silly/Stupid…you don’t have a home, you sold your home.”  Then I can’t stop myself, my eyes fill with tears. (Drippy tears and droppytears, this time stingy tears that burn my eyes.)   Or maybe the burning in my eyes is not from my fears, homesickness or sadness it is from all the cleaners, cleansers and painting we have done to the TLC house. 

 The truth is…  we are a little over budget on cleansers, cleaners and paint on what we predicted that we would need to fix up the TLC house.  (Sounds familiar right…but at least now it is in the hundreds it is what it is……(ME and MONEY)

After servicing “our” dryer/”Mr. Landlord’s”/ “The TLC Houses” dryer,  (does anybody really know who’s dryer it is anyway?) …It conked out again.  Mr. Meyer and I decided it was best to start new ( especially after one  expensive service call already) Honest to you, I think the dryer is the original one to the house (damn – off budget again) but it  is what  it is, if it isn’t this, it’ll be something else and what can we really do?????? …While I wait to hear back from Mr. Landlord , I hang Cobey’s clothes straight up on little clothespins that I bought at the dollar store.  When Mr. Meyer told me that the dryer was broken again… I literally and figuratively threw  all the socks from the sox box up in the air and didn’t shout…Happy Haggled Life… but shouted “Are you cruddy kidding me?”  (PARDON MY MUDDY MOUTH..I wish I could wash it out but I am afraid the washer than would conk out.) (WHAT IS  it WITH ME and me the cleaning appliances?!)

As we know everything figuratively and literally comes out in the wash and I guess THIS experience is no different than I struggled with before at The Haggled House.  I don’t know what I expected …my life to turn so easy…stress free and not so sad …so sarcastic and so haggled because I sold my haggled house.  I mean I did move my haggled self with me to the TLC house. (Gosh darn it the washer and dryer are so antedated.) (Just like my goofy ranting and raving (LCL)).  

  The TLC house forces me to face my life’s imperfections.  I can’t hide behind my fancy facade anymore.  It happened to me at the TLC house’s  block party.  I introduced myself to all of the neighbors and said….Hi!  My name is Lisa Meyer and I am the new renter in the not so fancy house.  My family and I are going to work really hard to bring the house back to a little life on a little budget …make it exciting and nice but it will take tender, love and care and then I shook each of their hands and felt just the TLC house feels living next to all the fancy houses on the block. (Yeah… I did just say…how the TLC house felt before we moved in…) (Yes…I do really realize I said how the house feels.  You know I believe houses although objects have feelings. )(wink,wink)

At the block party,  thanks  to our impromptu Luau decorations…(A special shout out to all of Kay’s parties) I think we pulled out all of the Meyer something from nothing stops with a tiny bit of dignity, a tiny bit of  class and a tinybit of silly humility, even though we had no shade or grill.

  I bought hero’s from the supermarket and fried chicken and my friend Sue made macaroni salad.

The really nice neighbors across the street offered us the use of their tree and then their cabana (THANKS NEW NEIGHBORS!)

They even adjusted it for us… several times as the sun moved around.) (I really need to buy one of those things for my haggled life.)(First I needed it in the pouring rain last year at Poomont Day and now I needed it for our block party…)

It even looked like we wanted to participate ( and really we did…/do….) we are just so far from being in the party play mood (But we did it willingly for COBEY)

When I put out the baby $9.99 pool of water at the end of the driveway…accompanied with a large blow up palm tree….(don’t forget about the luau theme).  He said “Mom”, no one will even want to go in that.”  (I knew that…but I guess the baby pool was symbolic of something else.)

  I laughed and said….”Hey, you never know…”, really feeling sad and sorry for myself and my son. It was kind of bittersweet, here we stood in front of a baby pool in front of someone elses home, on a strange and unfamiliar street…trying to blend in and pretend everything was neat….

 Realizing if we were really home everyone would be swimming in our pool in the backyard at the Haggled House.     I at that moment….I recognized my life as well as his was not the same and never would be again.  That I would really have to learn to make the best of what I really had to offer at the time.

Leaving the Haggled House to come to another feels so indifferent for me and I can’t believe I have stayed away for almost a month already.  I know I couldn’t have left without my family…Gary, Kayla and Cobey… and  if not for them I really would be so lost.  (Not just pacing around in a funk and haze)  They for sure make everything much better, that I know.  I giggle and gasp when Cobey says …”Come with me , MA”, I am too scared to go downstairs.” I feel the same sometimes but pretend I don’t….to Cobey , Gary and Kayla.

 Gary is working so hard to paint everything in sight to make it so much better for me and the kids and himself as well.

I think at times we have never worked harder at something.    I of course still  struggle with gratefulness and resentfulness at the same time.  Now when he says “There that is better”  although all I want to do is  scream and shout ….”Are you crazy?”  “Are you in doubt?”  We can’t live here…. I (WE) can’t be without…(my pool, hot tub) I told you I am like a silly spoiled stuffigan shrew but instead I take a deep breath, smile and say “Yes, you are right …  it  looks  much better” ……and it does.  I was honest when I told you the space of the house is amazing and there are substantial…beautiful…loving….funny changes.  I do see them and feel them with own eyes and heart!  So do the people that are starting to come about, either that or they are just really good tricksters and liars.

  When both Gary and I get frustrated with something  in the house we can not fix…. (on the cheap) sometimes…I just say to him…”It is what it is and that is it.”  (I tried for four hours to get the tinted paper off the front windows, I was wondering why it was so dark in there and finally just really gave up….)(DID I JUST FINALLY ADMIT TO GIVING UP ON SOMETHING AS SHALLOW AS TINTED WINDOWS) (WHY YES I DID )

Honest to you, though  late at night I sigh when I get into my new/old bed, I am  really relieved and grateful to really have this “cool” place to live to have survived and come out still standing and actually smiling sometimes.

I am of course am  always humbled in my haggling and really honest to realize how lucky and fortunate I am in my life.

  Recognizing the story and emotions are still going on…it is just really hard to realize a  substantial part of your life is over …and you can’t go back… especially when it feels like maybe it was the best part and you are still very scared and unsure about what will happen….

you cry ….afraid that you will only really stay stuck… or as well as in my sake… try to be brave, strong and smart and have some fun…..(I just put my two thumbs up as I typed that, and wiped my “cleanser” tears away)

  The truth is …it is what it is. If it isn’t this, it’ll be something else.

I guess it it is time to end this post too, realizing I also can’t write anymore.  I think I said everything I can for this week…..

To next weeks…explore…. if it isn’t this , it’ll be something else, I am sure. (LCL)

Okay…so where are we in the Great Recession story (wink,wink)…… let’s see I think…… we are up to the point when box #98 falls, hits me on the head,  and finally knocks some real sense into me….( literally and figuratively) (sometimes Denise is just so gullible …I severely doubt that would happen and if it did than that would be the end of the story and I don’t think that it is time for that just yet).

Actually this week….. I am cutting the rope of the loose noose between the Haggled House and the TLC house.  Squaring up on some bountiful baffling bills and stealing ( oh all right ) buying some semi new stuff to spruce up the TLC house…..The bogus bills on the Haggled House outweigh any I have seen yet to date and it is certainly times like this —-that I am reminded why I needed to move.  The bulky bills seem almost like my haggled life – a serio comic cathartic confessional in their own right.  Honest to you, catch up was next to impossible unless Oprah finally really called… and since that just didn’t happen just yet – it looks like this Haggled Housewife hailed a costly cab to the other side of town just before she stopped blowing bubbles in her hot tub.

This week I wallowed with willies about the recession,(My ugly unkind muse and daily dark companion)  the first time in my local paper..with an article about the link between the recession and the onset of depression.  The article stated when people lost or lose their jobs they feared or fear losing their houses and then losing their families.  Anxiety, stress and worry causes the depression which then in turn causes the suicide rates to go up.   This year as well as the rate of suicide , the use of help hot lines also has went up.  With unemployment at a breath taking toll and health care costs continuing to climb, the economy is extreme for everyone.  Which brings me to words about side story #2 in this blog post.  (Now that I do it weekly) I have to fit in alot more wise words …in a short time and space.

After one day in our new TLC house…Cobey meets a new friend on the block…right across the street from him ( he is one year older than him) (YEAH RIGHT) (Well….actually wrongo) because two days later we learn his new friend is moving because he rents the house he lives in and the  …monthly payment went up to an almost staggering $3,000 a month.  So now he has to move.  It seems sad, shameful and silly that families are faced with moving because of the high cost of affordable housing.  Now more than ever times are tighter…I still am very fearful and frightened that the economy will continue to sting, stress and strain…seniors, middle aged adults, young adults, and children.  Families will feel it (like mine and the one I just mentioned), marriages will muddle (like how I mention mine does) and all members of society will suffer in one way or another way.  A nine and a ten year old sharing stories about moving for similar reasons on the same block…seems like some hideous hilarity in my serio comic catharic confession haggled housewife life…..

So finally story #3…. the one I want to find words for ….the one I wanted to write last week.  It is during times like this that I am humbled in my haggledness and I hang my head.    Recognizing and realizing for some moments in life there are no words….my story is only really a story because I have chosen to tell it…..  because I wanted and needed to try to do something to change it or stop it… so that being said I will try to use my pretend story telling suave I have saved for special occasions….  and find the words to write about a friend/coworker of mine.

As a Haggled Housewife, you know I don’t get invited to many playful parties or Saturday Soirees and when I do..I just sit there like a cranky  silly shrew… I don’t have many friends per say…Sure, I have the old ladies and my four gal pals as well as my best-est GEORGIA PEACH… I have the occasional acquaintance or two but truthfully I think only really five people really like me at work and now unfortunately after last week the new number is four.  You see my friend died and I am extremely sorrowful by the sudden surprise…. so much so that I feel really bad, mad and sad.  Just not the same.  I know it is the grief and the pain – that is always so lame. I despise grief …it …feels my soul with a sadness I  just don’t like experiencing.    I think  it is a somber shame…… to lose a friend.

You see the lady (Miss. Jean) I want to share my words about was strong and self assured.  She was funny.  She was bright.  She was witty…. and she was tough…. she was fair and honest…good natured and good hearted too. If you knew her like I knew her she was a softie like one of my comfortable old  teacher shoes. She was the type of person who really cared about other people…now honestly she was opinionated, and a little sharp…straight and to the point and sometimes her mannerisms gave me quite a fright.  She was an extreme rule follower ( not like me in any of the sense) we in fact were opposites ..She would give you everything she had and trust me as her colleague and coworker never fear I asked her for alot. I always knew she would be there for me….truthfully…she never let me down.

She mixed the bleach for me when I couldn’t get to work on time, she fixed my computer four times when I knocked it off line and when my kids were dancing on their beds during nap, she rapped on the window and gave them and me that necessary teacher stare.  She lent me toys for the kids to play, made me signs and posters, and got me oil for play dough, she lent me money and gave me free stuff.  Although she could be a little rough.  She complained to me and about me about the noise my class made and the mess I and the class made everyday. (to my supervisor as well)(she could be a bit of a mini meanie)

She always put me in for the lottery even when I wasn’t at work and if by chance she didn’t I shouted at her…and she said “All right…next time.”  I followed her in the morning when she would take her cigarette break and I would stand next to her and try to inhale her second hand smoke.  “Here blow it over here…” I would say “Would you get away?!” She would say.  “I can’t “, I would respond while smelling the sickly sweet smell of nicotine.  She would move my car when it was stuck and I couldn’t do it. Without her glasses to… she would shake her finger at me and say…”When are you going to learn how to drive?” To show her how much I loved and appreciated her for everything she would do for me…. I would bring her boxes of wine because she said she liked those best..you see she was down to earth and not one that you had to pretend to impress.

And when it came to my book, she was honest and real ( although it  did initially kind of hurt my feelings a little)  She told me…flat out..she would be interested in reading my book but she could not see paying $19.99 for something that …..she literally said … “What the -ell kind of book could you have written?” so I gave her a photo choppy copy because I wanted to know what she thought  After she read it she said she liked it and she said she was surprised.  She rated it an eight out of a ten.  She even read my blog and made a comment.  (See the one where I drove to work in the snow)  If you know  Miss. Jean (an eight out of ten for her is pretty good).  On the last day of school she hung out in my room for an hour and 1/2.  We talked like we always did about the past, the present and the future.  (our jobs, our kids, our lives).  There is no doubt in my mind she lived her life the best she could all of the time.  She was comfortable with who she was not like wishy washy me……

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention..it was her who found my $78.00 late overdue library book, when she was substituting.  She called me on the intercom and said in her smug singy songy voice….”I found Piggy in the Puddle for you……” I said…”The other teacher said she didn’t have it.” “Where did you find it?” “On the bookshelf”, she laughed.  “Oh man”, I said.  She remembered…that I had ransacked every class because she truly cared about me…she could have just left it there but instead she went out of her way.

As I drink my glass of wine tonight…I will make a silent toast..because in fairness ….. for some moments in life there are no words…I toast Miss. Jean’s life, grateful to have shared a small part of it as her coworker, colleague and friend.    My work day will not be the same without her anymore….in fact as she always said…it was her who taught me everything I know at my nonprofit (she was my first partner).  Now that she is not here I fear I will fumble, make mistakes because she won’t be there to tell me a joke and share a smile and give me any more advice and help.  As a Haggled Housewife….. I am one good friend less.

My thoughts and prayers go out to Miss. Jean’s family.  Rest in Peace (Miss. Jean) I will miss you!

I think to myself and out loud for that matter that this weeks post has to have a point.  Honest to you, if it does I am not necessarily sure what it is or how to really make it with my writing.  For the sake of writing a weekly post I will try my best.  As you can see I am figuratively and literally all over the place this week.  One thing I know for sure is I no longer live by law in The Haggled House anymore.  We handed in the keys on Friday and this weekend marks the first in the TLC house.  The closing  actually appeared to all in attendance as uneventful …since we had given our lawyer power of attorney so Gary could work during the actual day of the closing …so I didn’t have to sit with SISSY in a big room filled with GUS stuff just a little room with my lawyer, Gary and our Real Estate Lady.  Although I am still not so familiar with GUS stuff…. I understood and was well aware that I signed my home away… during the closing… ( my old life per say) unfortunately out of necessity… and as scary as worrying about money has been for the past two years has been, signing my home away was just as scary and sad.  I had a sick feeling in my stomach when I signed and a  slight phony smile on my face. 

 I think sometimes in everybody’s  life..they just don’t know what to do …. every option really doesn’t seem right…but doing nothing  just isn’t right…so they try a bunch of different things…  because the know they need to do something … and wait and see what happens…. and then finally when something finally happens they  need to brave, strong and smart (although you don’t necessarily feel you are being any of those things) do what they think  or really  need to do and keep their fingers and toes crossed that everything will be okay.  (Well that’s where I am right now….) (fingers and toes crossed and still scared)

In the end… I left SISSY a beer in the fridge with a handwritten note attached to it.  I wrote in my messy script…”Sissy”…”We leave you this beer and our best wishes for a lifetime of hope and happiness in this house.”  “We want you to enjoy living and loving  in it as much as we did.”   Fondly, The Meyers ( short and sweet and to the point) (The actual idea came to me when I was scrubbing out the fridge for her.)  There was a half a stick of  butter,  2 quarts of lime juice, an icee pop and a leftover beer left inside the fridge)  So I went with the beer…. thinking she would like that the best….(GOOD CHOICE ..RIGHT? ….)  instead of Cobey’s left over cherry icee pop…(wink,wink) I was proud of myself…not only that I cared enough to scrub out the fridge for her but that in the end I left love in the house…

I would be lying to you if I didn’t say…I wasn’t homesick…. this week for the HAGGLED HOUSE  ( I still struggle with the emotions I am feeling…regret… remorse…. sadness…shame…. unfamiliarity…..surprise..shock…guilt…grief )( IT is probably just plain shallowness)  I really can’t use one word to sum it up but if I had to it would be homesick….)For what I don’t necessarily know..(you know I don’t like to lie and I keep pretending I am not) but honest….. I do miss my familiar surroundings…my pool, my hot tub, my waterfall, my bathtub, my office, my luscious lawn, my granite counter tops ( oh…okay we didn’t have granite counter tops) but I definitely miss my microwave.  (We are finally buying one today….) (so maybe that will soften the weight on my toe of the other murky material possessions I am painfully pining over …..)

Truthfully…. this week the  TLC house, although spacious, looks dumb and different to me.  My stupid stuff, although it is mine, looks ill fitting inside of it… (How mature can I really be) and this week I am for sure crabby and cranky towards Goon Gary.  – this week I am definitely playing the blame game….and I continuous think to myself and out loud to Goober Gary….”You must be completely crazy to think you can shine this spot up and make it sparkle” …”It is just too much and a bit overwhelming…. for a Haggled Housewife like me”…. I shout as I unpack box number 102.  Even the Verizon guy agreed with me… on the too much and overwhelming part…  as he had a monsoon marathon day of twelve hours…..( there were wires everywhere)  the dryer guy also agreed (Yep…you read right our dryer conked out after the  second day of being here) ( Our washer conked out the last week at the Haggled House as well….) (whats with me and the appliances…..) After I and Sue spent a half a day stenciling a silly saying on my “new” kitchen walls..the dryer guy said…. “look…… someone wrote all over the walls with magic marker” and these colors …”If I was the landlord someone would have to pay for that..” I swore after that I cried for an hour… big droopy tears and little drippy tears (I guess ketchup and mustard colors aren’t for everyone) When Kayla asked me what was wrong…she started laughing…she thought that was the funniest comment she had ever heard.

Thinking, working, painting, organizing, unpacking, decorating?(wink,wink), crying, laughing and drinking (coffee) as well as (wine) …(my coffee and wine bar are finished for that matter ) will continue for sure this week…into next… and honest  I am making a little leeway I only missed the turn to get home twice this week and I was invited to the block party on my street  Saturday…. finally something “new” to haggle about….rather than my  homesickness…(LCL)

As I write this morning I am in the midst of the move.  I have traveled 39 trips from the Haggled Housewife House to the TLC house.  Each travel I have carried something….. from a big thing such as a gigantic framed LAS VEGAS Wedding renewal picture to a little thing such as a roll of toilet paper ( which when you have to do a tinkle is actually a big thing but I am sure my point is put out to you….) Like with any situation there is good / bad…pros’s / con’s… pluses / minuses …yes’s/ no’s…happies / sads…blacks / whites … and this experience is no different as I travel the .2 mile difference between houses.  I do alot of thinking ( also believe it or not get lost… I turn down the wrong block but eventually get back on course and find my way to the TLC house without too much trouble.  Logistically for now traveling  across town  is all I can probably handle without a GPS…)

The TLC House is very different from the Haggled House and as we know different is just different sometimes…. As I mention in my previous post the TLC houses space and larger living area is amazing…and Mr. Landlord’s words of wisdom and permission to improve the property in anyway help keep my spirit soaring….. “I hope you have a great time living here…”  His words also  keep me going when I feel like putting my head to the ground like that the big ostrich I am used to being… I think to myself and actually say out loud quite frequently…in the TLC house… “You are too brave, strong and smart for sticking your head to the ground…”Get to work… you are moving in less than a week…”This is not the time to feel sorry for yourself by whinging and whining.    Although I have been having  devils food cake for dessert  every night. 

Probably the biggest difference besides the in ground pool, hot tub, pond, waterfall and humongous deck ( wink,wink) is the way the houses look… The TLC house is well worn ( inside and out) and the Haggled House is well kept (inside and out)…  The TLC house has probably not had a haircut in about three years… sorry in GUS terms ( the bushes haven’t been trimmed in three years)  The Haggled Housewife bushes are trimmed and manicured every week. 

 Funny in my book, I write that when Gary got slow with jobs…I stopped getting my hair done for two years…I still literally and figurative feel and look like the TLC  house looks…seems silly but it is true.  One can not stop themselves from noticing the sharp contrasts between  the houses.  The initial shock and suprise shows on every one’s face  who has already paid me a visit ..even though they try to hide it…I see it in their eyes and feel it their  hearts…. (cracked crappy blacktop vs. pristine paver walkway) (inground pool vs. big mud pile) ( stainless steel appliances vs. different colored appliances)  takes a little getting used to.. even for visitors… and it looks like Gary and I are a little loney… ( did I just say that) to leave the Haggled House and move to the TLC house.     I wonder out loud to you if I  really I ended up living here because I still  need to find a balance of caring about myself and where I live.

When I am in the TLC house… I still sometimes see the many imperfections and other times I don’t… I kind of feel like I am on vacation.  Being on vacation is a different feeling for me as well. Like I am staying somewhere for a little while….  In fact for now…. I literally and figuratively have turned the backyard into a make shift campsite with all recycled materials due to all the shade and trees and lack of grass. (wink,wink) I even layered it will all the signs and blow up leftovers from Princess ALYAK’s infamous LUAU party.  July is LUAU month and August is Fiesta Month.  I saved the Cinco de Mayo decorations (for now) ……

As real time goes on it is my hope..and goal to have Gary’s friend the COP Carpenter build me a make shift landing..something real simple but cool and lake like ( also something to stop the mud)(I have some pretty plans) The backyard definitely has a rustic feel and is for sure the most challenging space of the entire of house for me….

Showing a little tender, love and care to the house has required me for sure to use my resiliency, creativity and something from nothing traits… I always brag about….. ( remember I have no real money anymore..nor can I really afford to keep investing it into where I live) so everything now..has to be done on smart, sneaky and cheap ( at least to we get a little bit back on our feet)….Thank goodness I picked up the 10 pairs of $1.00 Old Navy flip flops)I keep throwing them out because of the mud…

Lucky for me…I am not alone.. during this travel….I have family and friends…besides for the real ones (Kayla, Gary, Cobey, Uncle Harry, Sue, Nora and Tessy)(and a special shout out to my Girlfriends son for moving the extra heavy things for $50.00) As well as my best friends words of compassion, concern, encouragement and helpful handy advice) When ever I want to stop… I say….”Denise…will surely kick my butt when she finds out I am afraid of a little glue…”

 I swear the Three Headed (Should, Could and Would (ve’s) monsters, GUS, Fred and STAN have also come to help out as well.   ”Turning back and quiting is not an option.”..GUS cheers me on…”It is what it is” ”and it is really  not bad….  STAN says…. You are in a great neighborhood, it is quiet ( no more damn train) and look at all the space you have.”  While removing 20 years on contact paper from the cabinet with a blow dryer over the high heat I hear the three headed guys finally admit…. “Wow…these cabinets are like brand new now…”  A ”new”  guitar literally and figuratively appeared in the back closet for FRED so he can maybe finally change his repertoire to campfire songs as opposed to serenading me with wrong songs.

Fixing the TLC house on the cheap is silly, fun, rewarding, challenging sad and sweet and takes alot of elbow grease  …( wink, wink) I feel like  I first did 16 years ago when we rented the run down house…but I also remember some of the best times there…at the start of our marriage… I do hope the vacation feeling that I have stays with me for awhile…being on vacation is actually a pretty good feeling. A feeling I like and could get used to….

Funny…the Haggled House seems so formal and fancy now… almost like someone else’s house ( wink, wink)….   Maybe it was the 39 trips back and forth or it is the lack of personal belongs left.  (Three days left to the actual move)…Although I am  really am not sure where I live for now… honest to you …I guess these feelings are to be expected when you travel …..no matter what happens , it is giving me a story to tell.

So….to follow up ……

I know everyone wants to know the story of when I finally met face to face with SISSY.  The first two meetings I missed.   I stayed away and hid purposefully…plus don’t forget feed back from the Real Estate Agents revealed that I had made potential clients feeling  like trespassers going through my treasures.  So in all honesty, I probably would have risked sabotaging the sale had I stayed around…(sometimes I am smart).  Goober Gary had scheduled a third meeting for SISSY to take a look at the other stuff that we had for sale. ( A pre sale to our sacrificial sale which I sold and bought back my soul per say…wink,wink)  He thought it would be a  cordial courtesy for her.

SISSY arrived with a single pal passe and honest to you…I wasn’t really quite sure if she really just came to show her friend her pad.  She really did not seem very interested in any of the items that we had for sale.  As you learned selling is not my forte… and I had listed all of our worldly (  oh all right….  financed) possessions on the word processor.  I gave a hard copy to SISSY for review.  I carefully had calculated everything we could sell.  I proceeded to give her a commando type tour.  Prefacing everything with ( although I am not so sure…if it was for her or me…) that we were firm on our price…stating we could take everything with us to the TLC house.  Even blunderingly ( is that even a word) boasting…how beautiful and big …our new space was.  I think I also caught myself smirking and standing with my hands on hips sending the stinky eye. Her gal pal…kept shaking her head in agreement with me…but most definitely thinking to herself…. “You want way too much money for this stuff..lady…SISSY is  not buying anything…” ”Why would she  want it anyway?..SHE  can get her own stuff!” “REMEBER WHO YOU ARE DEALING WITH HERE…SHE is a SISSY!”  (Sorry I got swept in the moment …and forgot)

During the tour…… I awkwardly had come to learn that Mr. Meyer had decided to throw in my downstairs BOSES to SISSY as a bonus.    I confirmed with SISSY ( a promise was a promise and I would honor his great gift and humongous heart) (And you wonder why we never have any money… either he or I are always given everything away)…I did though shoot the stinky eye to Generous Gary and he in fact did hang his head.  For sure to SISSY, we looked like we had communication concerns in our marriage.  ( and to think that I was bragging on about how well we were doing with communicating…….) This maddening  mishap didn’t stop there… because of course I was taken off guard…and I know how Gary is…… …. “Lis… we have to buy this now… and this… because we gave it away…” or “Kayla broke her…”or “Cobey needs a new….etc…”

As a result of my  dumb discovery….. I ranted and raved HAGGLED HOUSEWIFE STYLE that I was the “naughty” one and he was the “nice” one.  I looked and acted like a full fledged MUT (Mean UGLY troll)….You know the type that I hate…that I faced in the CONDO fiasco. “What is the big idea giving away good stuff….” I shouted.  “We need all this stuff… ” I growled and scowled…(troll type)

SISSY and I sized each other up and I know neither one was really comfortable…since she had previously purchased all our patio furniture…and Mr. Meyer had thrown in so many more added items…a stereo..TV…speakers..ping pong table…I think she thought I was going to begin to take everything back…. because of my bonus BOSES bone.      In the end SISSY only bought two bookcases and mini refrigerator…Honest to you those items weren’t even on my official typed list…( go figure) TOTAL:  $55.00

I don’t really know how I feel about the meeting…… during it I didn’t tell her  that  I wrote a book about the Recession and the house…. and that I blogged my journey  for my four faithful fans ( every week)…( I am not so sure she would have been so impressed with that) (Honest to you …you she probably would have thought the idea was poo and that I am just a spoiled stuffigan shrew) (which is probably not to far from the facts)

 I thought in the end I would feel something more…. that I would leave her a note or a book or something but sad to say a semi-clean house and all of Goober Gary’s free promised stuff is probably all I can manage to  muster….( and truthfully that is all I really feel I should leave behind….)

This story really must be about something else…

I rationalize with myself and I realize this part of the story to me is still about loss and as I write this I have learned that loss really still scares the s— out of me.  That is probably why I acted that way during the meeting. (also because of my stuffigan ways)

Losing something is hard,  baseball games, money in a casino and contact lenses, all things you don’t want to lose.  You can lose your license, your salvation and  your library book.  You can lose your hair, opportunity and your wits about yourself.  You can lose yourself or  loved ones to death, illness, addiction or incarceration.  You can lose your ability, your passion and your focus.  You can lose your voice, your cookies ( yeah…I am talking about throw up), your electricity, your health and your health care coverage.  You can lose your dignity, your grace and your self respect.  You can lose you innocence, your identity,  your self worth, your phone and the one I practically famous for ….(no not my house.) .. …but myself…. my self worth.. .my sense of humor… my honesty…my sadness.. my strength….my sarcasm…..   and my much needed resiliency….

The truth is even though I sold my  house due to the Recession and the not so GUS decisions that I made through out my GROWN UP life…. …I still feel like I lost my house,  myself and me…. throughout the process….  I know all are empathic to loss….because a big part of life is about loss… and everyone loses something sometime…

Loss is powerful and painful and although not purposefully …. is unavoidable…recovery from loss is heart-wrenching, heartbreaking, sad, slow…but eventually attainable…although inevitable  people change because of their life losses.  (sometimes for the better and sometimes people stay stuck for very long time)  (Look at me going on and on for the past two years…like a broken record)

I know meeting SISSY ( and I am sure the same goes for her) doesn’t top my ten most monumental moments in my life.  (oh and by the way… I know I also lost some dignity, self respect and grace during the meeting as well…but I did …do it ) and it is behind me and puts me one step closer to the “literal” and “figurative”  actual closing which I will be facing in two weeks.

I finally do think in fact her part of the story is done.  The Haggled Housewife Life story is not about who bought the house…it is definitely about who sold the house…………

As I write this post I am literally and figuratively surrounded in a sea of stuff.  I am trying to sell my Haggled Housewife Life Stuff.  I sit outside on my Five Below camping chair drinking lukewarm coffee.  I am exhausted and drippy little tears and big droopy tears are falling on my Teacher’s Journal which is slated as my writing tablet which I of course at the last minute rescued from my fifty cent box.  While severe thunderstorms are predicated , the sale is slighted for inside and outside.  Although in actually the rain is warmly welcomed as physically, Gary and I cannot even continue to lift and transport all of our 14 years of sale items anymore.  A weeks worth of lack of sleep and my weight have surely cemented that.

Due to the sale on Saturday…. I missed Cobey’s tournament game which may actually be a good thing because my little son cried and carried on due to the anticipated self inflicted excitement… anticipation…. and expectation …. he places on himself.  Despite my “slow and steady” comments …Cobey is crabby.  He states his mitt doesn’t fit right, his bat is too big and his cleats are clumsy.  Despite my theme song approach…”You are on fire Meyer!” “Whatever happens …happens… ” I assure him.   He shouts out the car window “Bye Mom” “I love you” and I am back to writing about this sacrificial sale. ( I am a little resentful..that I have to miss the games this weekend ..due to all this “stuff”.)

Friday, actually marked the first day of the sale and honest to you when I first put out all of my Haggled Housewife Life stuff…I was sick to my stomach.  It was so overwhelming to see (now remember) only the items that we aren’t even planning on taking with us.  A quick glance around and I was flooded with feelings of remorse, overindulgence, waste and what ifs.  For sure my powerful pals – The Three Headed Monster (Could’ve, Would’ve and Should’ve), my friendly friend foe Fred ( singing the wrong song), Silly STAN and of course no other than GUS were all crazy customers.  They didn’t buy anything and in actuality neither did alot of other people.  Honest to you most people only commented on the magnitude of the holiday hoopla we have.  I think one of the bold browsers boasted -”This looks like a holiday hangout.”

Most of the day was spent wheeling and dealing, nickle and diming, swishing and swashing, schmoozing and boozing ( only kidding – NO BOOZE) (Funny to think I am finally going to use the word in the FANCY PROPER WAY – that I have come to love and so do you ….HAGGLING! ( Although truth being ……I didn’t fair well…and I have to hang my head in shame…because of my self proclaimed claim to fame.(shhhhhh…. but  truthfully…. I stunk at it.) I am not really tough selling stuff.    Although, I did a good job of stuffing  myself with three slices of pizza at dunch time (3:00 PM) and watched Cobey again buy all of  my friend Sue’s stuff. ( Her son Michael’s bat and baseball. ) $6.00 again  out of my pitiful pittance.  “Look around”, I snapped at Gary….”Our whole  life is on the damn curb”.

 I stragically posted around my driveway and front yard  big signs…( due to the weather report) to help with the sale.   My South of the Border style seems to be back firing.  Maybe my Church Creche and 10 ft Halloween Hearse are fighting the purpose.  I silently believe customers are thinking…judging….(They are insulting me by offering me a dollar for items that I paid upwards of $50.00 for)   They are  waging their fingers while tssking) the wasteful indulgence of my pre recession days.

( I know I am…to…..)   In an ironic way I feel as if I am selling my soul (Wow…how profound…)..paying the piper…settling the score….laying an egg ( just like the big ostrich I know I am.) 

 Familiar feelings of my Poomont Book sale plague me as well.  Pouring rain, only selling six books.  Thank goodness I try to help change lives for a living and do not sell stuff….if not …  for sure the play – The Haggled Housewife would be similar to the Willie Loman legacy ( and that of course although a very interesting famous (wink,wink) story is not in actuality the  ending I am really  looking for the Haggled Housewife  (me).

Remembering….  I help write my own story ( I have some real practice from the book) and that I am moving to the TLC House helps me.  I am getting too BRAVE, STRONG and SMART to let my writing go any other way. ( Didn’t I say I moved the sale inside due to the threat of severe thunderstorms.)   As I wait for every cutthroat customer ….I actually begin going through my stuff today with an easier eye and a happier heart.  Piece by piece….. loving looking and reasonable rationalizing with myself ….why we had to have it our life.  (My fanny lifter helped me to get skinny , the stuffed chicken Kayla won at the shore and Cobey’s  WWF Wrestling belt which he got at the wrestling show…….were  all cool useful loved  items…. back in the day… but it is a new day…..now…

As I look at all of the stuff I realize it is part of  the story of  the Haggled Housewife…..  Bits and pieces…mementos, impulses and yes for sure over indulgences ( a pirate alarm clock , turkey platter and weather station) … ( or at the time needful necessities)   In anticipation for the end of the three day sale today…..  (YEAH)!!!!!.I have decided to divide the piles again……. donate…re-purpose…reuse and finally let go…. (Buy my own soul back….per say) (Damn…I am soooooo  profound and deep….if only now  I could not get my breath not to stink….(LCL).(Allright…no cackle laugh..in actuality wiping away drippy and droopy tears)  

We used the stuff…we loved the stuff…we had to have the stuff   …… but we really do not need it so much anymore….lets just say the sale symbolizes a bitter sweet… ”new (stuff free)  chapter” in my Haggled Housewife Life.  ( a stuffer per say)

P.S.  I finally did  meet face to face with SISSY ( Stay tuned for the whole story)(I have to keep you coming back for more….)

P.S.S – Keep your fingers crossed …we sell our high ticket items today……..we are trying to make enough money to pay for Miss. Bedford.

As I write this it is my last official day of school ( with my kids – it was last week by the way…).  My kids are all peacefully sleeping.  I can hear them breathing.  One little guy is even snoring.  It is sooo quiet and cool in the room.  Calm music of the ocean is playing in the background.  The perfect setting to going on stay-cation. Another year is done and thankfully it was a fairly good one all around.  I tried something new ( My coach position, drove in the snow…no  one got hurt…believe it or not even in such a short time the kids learned alot and I had some real fun)  I mostly measure success of progress by how the class flows and the last two months of school had been full of heartfelt surprises, emotion and more bonding than I ever imagined.  The kids, the parents and the Teaching assistant were kind, considerate and very flattering.  They made it a real pleasure to come to work..I am grateful for that…18 years doing the same job – sometimes honest to you is too much but the kids always make it comical, interesting and never dull and this year they made it easy – almost like I never worked anywhere else ( even though I know it wasn’t true).

So now that I am official on STAYCACTION from my “real GUS job”…I can begin my summer move and packing job…. The closing date is set for July 29th so that gives us about three and half weeks.   So I know everyone ( all five of you -wink,wink) want to know where we are going to go and what we found. 

 Ta Dah…we are moving clear across town ( not too far) so I think I will be able to find my way… but far enough where I will  see different scenery.( On a side note we looked at a place 6 houses away from our old house)    We found a house for rent ….a big house is size but not so much in price.  (Although honest to you  we did have to go over budget maybe a little tiny bit)  The house doesn’t have all the bells and whistles of our mortgaged Haggled House.  ( No pool, no hot tub, no waterfall, no gazebo, no pond, no enormous deck) But (Don’t you just love it when I am not afraid to start a sentence with BUT) it does have a built in doggie door for Miss. Bedford, a full bathroom for everyone (Princess ALYAK even has one in her room) Yep that’s right …three full bathrooms..although Cobes’s is pink… (although when talking about it please refer to it as a shade of off white (wink,wink), an eat in kitchen, a dining room, a living room, a 2nd relaxing  room for just Gary and me, 4 bedrooms, so (Cobes can have his own video room again), an office for my HAGGLEDHOUSEWIFE life and a storage room  for all of Gary’s painting stuff, plus a converted garage  which was made into a huge bedroom with a bathroom for me and Gary.   Nine rooms alltogether…count them!  Central air ( ahhh..cool air in the summer) a backyard with a swing for me and a built in basketball court ( now Cobey can play real games) we will put the other one across like a real “pretend” regulation court.  A shed for our snow blower and other outside stuff.  It is well worn like our family and I really think we can make it feel like home, with all our stuff.( Well not all our stuff.. we are selling a great deal of our stuff to pay for Miss. Bedford.. but enough of our wanted stuff)

(I am trying really hard to be positive…don’t you think?)  It really has all of those things no exaggeration… although not so easy on the eye at first…. it needs  tender love and care, a little repair (   oh okay… maybe a medium amount of repair,  creative smarts, an  open mind  and a  cool  family to give it some excitement and  life ) (THATs the part where we come in)

The story behind the dreaded haggled house hunt is a twisty, up and down and all around one.  Would you expect anything less?…..The story is a multidimensional one…too…ahhh. poo!  We had decided on a Condo.  We were all in agreement, the space was okay… a little bit on the smaller size but would work for what we wanted.  I won’t lie the location was great.  It was close to everything..but upon further inspection it is noted it didn’t fit our needs as much as we wanted…limited parking, no storage, not enough room and the landlady honest to you reminded me and treated me like the MEAN UGLY TROLL in one of my favorite classic tales…The Three Billy Goats Gruff.  (Whose that renting…my CONDO roared the LandLady Troll )  It is not I …. the HAGGLED HOUSEWIFE I said….  in a teeny tiny voice….  (Honest to you…I am way too brave, strong and smart for BS LADY….) (Denise you would have been so proud)  (P.s.s…By the way I used my powerful kung fu writing via email to decline…while keeping my grace….  dignity and self respect)

We had looked at the  house when it came up and at first glance it was too big and too fugly.  It was overwhelming….too many rooms…too much to maintain….too much to clean… we thought we really wanted to go back to the simpler life…. the  life of the condo ( no snow shoveling, no grass cutting)  but I just couldn’t stop that haggling feeling of something not right…gosh darn it though it had take out food on every corner and a restaurant to have dinner…)In my heart it just didn’t feel good…. (Although it is noted  from our new place ( right across the street)  we can walk to a family restaurant/diner which is open from 6:00 AM to 10:00 PM every day) (HEY…HEY…HEY) It is also three to four blocks away from another restaurant for Mr. Meyer and I to go out at night (wink,wink).

Surprising enough..the real estate lady that showed us the house the first time, called us back and said “What do you think about the house?”  “Take a second look”, she said.  I said to her…”OKAY”.    Honest to you, I wasn’t sure if Gary wanted to take a second look, but he did and when Gary looked for a second time and he actually liked what he saw… he said…”Lis… I can fix it!” “I know I  can  and look at all the space you and I will have.”  “Okay”, I said… let’s give it a try.” ( I know he can … together I think we can do just about  anything now if we try)Also honest to you … there are not that many houses to rent in our price range in our town…. and the house fits most of our needs… it is  not perfect by any means… but  as I have learned nothing really is. SO WE SAID …”WHAT THE HEY?!”  It is relieving to realize that  there can be the possibility of  happiness and life again in another place/space…./ dare I say… HOUSE or do I say HOME?! (LCL) I don’t know yet…but I will of course keep you posted. 

Truthfully, so far the best part of  finding this house was the email warm welcome….. I received from this new landlord. (A very different feel from the CONDO “MUT” LADY)  (Mr. Landlord as he will be known) in the story…  said and I hope he doesn’t mind that I am sharing….”I hope you enjoy and have a great time living in the house.”  I cried when I read that of course…. It made me feel a little less haggled and a little more  relieved.. dareI say… it put my mind at little at ease.  I cried the little drippy tears and big droopy tears.    All I need now is Mr. Meyer too remain calm and not get overly excited…… me too though!  (I would be lying if I said there wasn’t tough stuff ahead)  I think in the end this house is not where I intended to go but where I intended to be… ( so I will just go with that…) GUT FEELING…. at least for now…..

Believe it or not ..the story doesn’t end here…. (weekly posts hard to fit everything in) …the story just isn’t done…. The Real Estate Lady… who showed us the new house….which will affectionately now be known as THE TLC…(TENDER LOVE  and CARE) house  actually remembered me from showing my  HAGGLED HOUSE…and through this process  she said she liked me and wanted me to get the TLC house.  (So I had a little extra help and for that I am grateful) (SEE ..you really do get what you give)  So while she was checking our credit report she googled my email- because she thought it was a peculiar name for a painting company.. ( which it would be) and she discovered the story behind the house.  So now copy 104 of the book (yeah) is gone as well.

Was it the power of the house?…the power of the book?  ……was it meant to be.?.. I am not really sure..? . Funny how life can come full circle….sometimes….so my new address will be the TLC house.  So just like me …. THE HAGGLED HOUSEWIFE with the right amount of tender love and care…it is my hope my new house and me can only get better.

The next couple of weeks I will be plenty busy…packing, sorting, moving, changing and  rearranging.  (literally and figuratively) It is alot for us to do but I think  I am ready for the challenge and the change…(did I just admit to that?)

Please stay tuned for my postings… as always I will let you know how everything is going…..

In honor of our sixteen year anniversary I have decided to break down and do it….write my “mushy gushy”“ooey gluey”  ”humble heartfelt”  passionate post to my gorgeous gentle Gary..(AKA:  MY FROG PRINCE…my broken/better half ….my handsome hustling hubby (wink,wink).

It is hard to believe we are married sixteen years and like I wrote in the book, some years were definitely better than others.  This year is still wide open and I believe it can possibly be an exciting interesting one.  Honest to you, my feelings about my husband can change on the day, circumstance and what he has done. (Notice how I say what he has done) (LCL).  That being said, I think that is standard in every marriage ( whether anyone wants to admit to it or not). 

 I better get started on the mushy gushy sweet syrupy ooey gluey lovey dovey provocative post I promised…. (SAY THAT FIVE TIMES FAST) My true fearless feelings and silly sentiments ….here goes hold your noses for my  possible sexy proses….

At night, usually when I wake in the middle of it because I can’t sleep…I reach out and put my arms around him and squeeze him really really tight.  I lean over and give him little small butterfly kisses on his face and neck.  He usually mumbles “mmmmm” and stirs not necessarily quiet sometimes saying “ahhhh”…. I cry little drippy tears and big droopy tears sometimes a mixture of both …I feel I would be so alone without Gary, even when I am cranky and sad.  I would have no feeling, no emotion..no love.  I wrap myself in his delicious smokey smell till morning and often say to myself…what the h—-, I really do love this grouchy… gloomy… grimy… greedy… goosey …genuine …gentle… gracious …gifted…great guy.

I am not kidding when I say after sixteen years of marriage …we have had ups and downs -(look at that description)  one thing I know for sure in my life is my husband loves me.  I see it and I feel it.  It is not a perfect love and honest to you sometimes I do thinks he forgets at times that he may even like me( when he gets mad or annoyed with me)  but I know he is there for me the best way he knows how to be and for our family.  He has proven that to me in little ways and big ways throughout the years. 

The past two years that we have shared ( the for richer and poorer thing) have been so rocky and alot of the time I was so angry, hurt and sad.  I was scared and I know he was too.  Lots of times we lost each other.  I don’t know how we held on and made it through… we are finally re beginning to find each other again… I don’t see myself anymore when I look in the mirror ( I don’t think he sees me either) I look really big, blurred and distorted but fortunately for me I am still standing… a little shaky but still standing.  I know Gary wants me to get better and he wants me to  go back to living, laughing and being more carefree…..  When we talk about it now I think he finally understands that I matter…..  my needs, my wants and my desires.  My valuable opinion counts, my not so great advice and companionship counts too now…much more than I ever think it did to him……

I think it has taken us sixteen years and a history of happiness and pain as well as almost losing everything to get closer to each other.    I guess this experience has made us both finally realize all we really have is each other and that we need each other to make our lives …..whole,complete, fun ( someone to really be  there to really support )  -  It may sound cliche…. but  I know we have learned…… I need to and have to be stronger and he needs and has to be more open and honest and not so determined and more willing to compromise….

We are no longer what we have…. ( we don’t have anything anymore)  but we are ….who we are together…the money we will make will not reflect who we are and who we should be..as always we will share what we have… but as an interior painter and non profit worker we finally learned it will never be alot and that is finally okay. .. for the both of us.  It is my hope we will make better choices with our hard earned money but I know myself and I know him..I have a feeling we sometimes won’t always do the right thing. Now I don’t mean like not paying the rent (right thing)  but I mean like splurging on sunflowers, a dinner out and maybe a new pretty blouse for me. (Look at how self entitled I can really be) but I am counting on better communication…working more as a team together… I am ready, willing and able and believe he is too..I am sure our life is no longer the same from what has happened to us.

Which sometimes as I haggle my way through ( like only I know how) …I am finally learning that this is okay….together we can try to face anything….

Gary – I hope this post was a romantic mushy gushy….. restart and an added excitement to the next sixteen years together.  With constant communication, tremendous tenacity  and a  silly sense of humor…. it is my hope we can pull it semi together. ….  Even though when it falls apart..and everything shatters… I know with my heart and head…I’ll stick around, crawl all over the ground and put the pieces back together making the most beautiful mosaic – our life together!

(PS..thanks for always having  the glue to help me)  I love you my FROG PRINCE…for ever after!