What I mean by that is – now even though – I have things to write about, complain about, contrast about, celebrate about, boast about and dream about..now that I have moved and am even beginning to actually find my rental house with getting literally lost.  I still unfortunately feel a little figuratively lost in my home ( my mind, my spirit, my body and  my soul).  I don’t  feel the same anymore - my writing is not the same, my thoughts are not the same, my experiences are not the same and my responses are not the same.  I am learning a location change has inspired a little life change or dare I say a big life leap onto a path of  new things. 

I am trying to readjust, recalculate and reconfigure many little things and big things …about me, my relationships, my beliefs, my thoughts, my likes, my dislikes ( YOU NAME IT FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS OR LONGER I HAVE BEEN HAGGLING WITH IT).. What wasn’t working before…I am finally trying to throw out the door…especially FRED, the three headed turd and STAN (You know my old pals from way back when) (Although I hate to admit it….my pals are hanging on pretty tight) BLAHHHHHH

I am trying to feel more,be aware more,  be calmer more , be kinder to myself more and be smarter more (wink,wink) (I am writing wink,wink because of that giant grammatically faux pas)

I am trying to look at things in my life a little more differently now….. Not necessary a straight path… … I think the biggest ahhhhhhh that Gorgeous Gary and I shared this past week is that we would both like our life to go back to what it was years ago before all of the hoopla and the hype ( that of course we created) Like at time when we first got married…back then we really didn’t have anything except love and maybe a little luck.  Honest to you, I would be lying if I said we did have a little luck.  ( I always felt we had luck)  (I don’t know where it comes from but it has always been there)  Well, I can truthfully say to you are are probably right back there again after 16 years of marriage, I really don’t have anything left except love and little bit of luck.  As you know from the book and the blog we don’t have anything anymore …..( except maybe some dynamite debt, many gray hairs and I course am carrying way too much Cheetos, processed cheese slice and sugary kid cereal weight)

I am still thinking and writing….what did we do? (Gary and I) How did we get where we are?, Where will we end up going? and it seems kind of silly to say…. and is it possible to get on another path and will I ever really find home, peace, comfort, solace…. within the rest of my life….(just a few things to try to decife)  (LCL)

If I have to say one thing and really mean it… I am finally hopeful..that I will.  I believe in my heart and my head that I am trying really hard to open my hand ( and take hold of Gary’s) and get back on the path… The path is far from being perfect ( the other one wasn’t at all perfect)  but this one feels a little different this time,  a little less rocky, a little less scary and little less bumpy…I am following pretty well as well  as  leading at times….. and Gary is doing a great job of holding on..sometimes our hands slip but we are pretty much trying to hold on tight now… At times the path is shaky, unbalanced and confusing but you know what…I finally bought a little compass at one of the garage sales we went to …and when I need it…I take it out now.  I am not so afraid to use it now.  (although I do sometimes hold it upside down)

As we all know..it is petrifying to open your hand, heart and head after being hurt…(no matter what the hurt because we all experience pain in some way..) but I am thinking this little location change ( the recession and the dumb decisions I had made previously have forced me to do that) so the haggled story goes on but the chapters and writing are a little different now.

It still really remains to be seen… if my recession reflections will ever really be published and made into a best selling movie.  Honest to you, I really can’t consciously give up my OPRAH HOPERAH ( you have to dream) but I am not getting off my day job path, or my writing path for that matter…. or my new lease on life path anytime soon… I still have way too many things to discover and plenty of hand holding left to do….

*Denise – this post is for you you always hold my hand, heart and make sure I stay on the path I need to be on!

This week what I have stumbled upon and completely keep coming up with is the MAYBE YES / MAYBE NO technique ……it is  a helpful way for me to haggle with my  thoughts …..

The MAYBE YES or MAYBE NO technique is found in the amazing book …Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and It is all Small Stuff by Richard Carlson.  I recently reread the book…because I have owned the book forever (well not forever) but you know what I am talking about….I really connected this time in my life with the cool chapterette about the wise-man and the farmer. (LOOK AT ME READING AGAIN WITH ALL MY FREE TIME)

To sum up the story….when the farmer asks a series of questions about his life to the wise-man ,…..the wise-man continuously answers maybe yes -maybe no (oh okay…really maybe so or maybe not) but I like yes and no better – a little more definite for delirious drama mama like me.(YOU KNOW OLD HABITS DIE HARD)   At first the farmer thinks the wise-man  is completely cuckoo …and then each time he asks the wise-man questions…good and bad things do happen…based on the questions….the farmer finally realizes the lesson is that you never really definitely never  know what is going to happen….  The moral of the story is … you really never know how a decision/incident/encounter/difficulty/challenge/happiness will change/alter  your life.. (sometimes in ways you never even imagine)

Sometimes ( oh all right) most (oh all right) ALLof the time in my Haggled Housewife Life, I feel as if I am the farmer…but instead of going to a wise-man,  I secretly (shhhhh….) consult with my Magic 8 ball bought at the local thrift store for a dollar.  I shake it up and ask the questions…I want to know the answers to….(Will Lisa ever really go on the Oprah Show?!!!) (Sorry couldn’t resist….)oh okay Will I ever get my book published? - Oh..okay… I know you  know what I mean….(I know don’t really need to illustrate everything..)

I know my readers are brave, smart and strong…) (Don’t forget good looking…compassionate …funny…bright and witty)

TRUTHFULLY…maybe comes out most of the time…on most of the questions…I ask….  but I am finally learning/haggling that maybe…. may not be such a bad way to look at things….that there is good/bad /positive/negative/funny/sad/challenges/championships in everything ( or at least every scenario) (I) have to haggle with in my life. 

LOOK at these…… as examples…. if you will please…

BIG HOUSE=BIG BILLS…..CRANKY BOSS= STRESSED OUT WORKER…..BAD GRADES= NO SCHOLORSHIP….  AND SO ON AND SO ON.. .maybe YES or maybe NO…Actually maybe BIG HOUSE = BIG SPACE…BAD GRADES = ALTERNATIVE CAREER CHOICE…Honest to you, I am not so  sure..what good can come from a cranky boss..so I will just let that one go..but I know you know where I am now…(Dare I say… I am  finally finding the stick to begin marking my trail….) Remember I did get lost…so I could be found…..)  (hEY THIS  interactive story may actually be  progressing……how profound!!!!!)

(WAIT…let me ask that silly/smart  8 ball one more question for the day).(BEFORE I GO OFF TO RUN AND PLAY)(IT IS THE WEEKEND YOU KNOW…) …..Should I finally stop writing this pragmatic post.????!!!!

… TADAH.

it gave me a definite maybe (LCL)!

We are busy “readjusting” from the summer sun and our miraculous move from literally and figuratively across town.  Believe it or not three months at the new/old place and Gary is still working really diligently and hard at fixing the house up….(it needed alot of TLC) (just like us) (Outside and inside) (Wow…..what a comparison) Although after a long and lengthy list,  tadah….we only have a few odds and ends/ (touch ups) to finish and I if I do write myself…(Of course I am writing this…who else would be doing it ….) it finally looks and feels warm,cozy, homey, lively and fun… It reminds me of a vacation home….at a campground ( could be do to all of the dirt) but that is what it feels like…. Each room has its silly /sophisticated  style ( if you want to call it that) (which I think we should go with…)  The walls are covered with pictures and words from our life.  Sometimes honest to you, when I come in …it does takes my breath away.

I feel as if our real life is in it.  I know my heart,soul and spirit are in it as well as  a little literal blood, sweet and tears . (I lifted 120 bags of mulch) I of course am not trying to get to attached to this house, as I realize I may only be here for a short visit.  I now know my home is where I make it with my family. I wear that saying like a badge of honor/ scar on my heavy heart ( I am partial to both descriptions)  and I realize at any time I might have to move again.  I learned that lesson during the great recession (wink,wink) and I finally think I maybe really ready to accept that fact that life can change if you want it to or not…..in many ways..not just about where you live….

On to me and my famous family again (LCL)…I and do believe Gary are taking steps to use are “noses” more lately since are move.(Smelling sweet stuff as well as stinky stufff)   (like my BFF Denise says) (those smells  are the best and only kind) to take….to change.  We are trying to talk more and be more aware about our life together and be more open.  We are making plans again…not big ones…only little ones like to go apple picking (this week) and on a little getaway for Halloween with our kids.  I and gorgeous Gary are really trying to change hurtful habits that I know added to leaving our Haggled House.  At this time (today at least) I am really proud of Gary and honest to you, even myself…..as I realize this story could have progressed  differently.  Looking at it I learned lots of lessons…about people…places… attitudes…perceptions….and realities….(REAL GUS STUFF) ( Of course some have been so powerful and painful) (and others have been so inspiring and encouraging) One thing I do know is instead of giving up helplessly…Gary and I explored another option and decided to try again maybe from scratch.. but we are certainly armed with a little more worry and hurry…as well as a little less worry and hurry.(Ohhhh…the irony of the Haggled Housewife life)

But….I am overwhelmed with gratefulness for the opportunity  ( don’t you love it when I start a sentence purposefully with but…)

…So,  am I happily haggling forward?…some-days yes and some-days no….but for the most part I think I am….I am sleeping later in the morning (time check….5:17 am) (not 3:00 am), putting on a little bit of make up (when I have time in the morning), having a glass of wine on my Walmart patio furniture at night and trying to be more in the moment….and I am continuing to work to pay down my debt (literally and figuratively) ( wink,wink) while stopping to smell the  teeny tiny 94 cent mums Gary planted outside where the overgrown bushes used to be…. oh and by the way…. don’t worry , I am not in a hurry…so I may be a little late to work.

The truth of the matter is while I was sitting at one of Cobey’s scrimmages,  a lady came and sat next to my friend Sue.  She looked at me and said …”I know you…you are the one that wrote thatbook.”  “Yes”….I said sticking out my tongue…and sagging my shoulders.  “Well”, she said…How did it do?”  “Honest to you” (ha,ha)( are you surprised I answered like that…..) “It  really didn’t  do” …..(feeling kind of silly and even a little shamed…) “I couldn’t really sell my books..but I sold my house instead…so I guess that is where the story has actually changed.”    I continued to say..that it wasn’t the original plan (YOU KNOW PLAN A) ( you know the perfect happily ever after ending scenario… that I was hoping for)  ( YOU KNOW THE ONE ABOUT ME SELLING A MILLION SELF PUBLISHED Books….. GETTING A PUBLISHER OR EDITOR OR BETTER YET…..ENDING up ON QUEEN OPRAH)  but it was a plan (that was on the list and it happened first.)  (Reflecting back… selling the house certainly was  a more thoughtful plan… especially during this Recession mess)    The lady and I  chatted a few more minutes about the cool thrift store which she had opened a whole year ago… ( HAGGLED HOUSEWIFE KUDOS TO HER)  During our conversation…. she told me that she felt she could write a book as well  and I wholeheartedly agreed…. I have been reflecting alot lately about storytelling and writing… and that thrift store owning story telling lady is right…she can write a book…

Everyone has some kind of  story to share whether it be about that richer or poorer thing in marriage, sickness, sadness, death , grief, as well as overcoming tragedy or on the flip side …..the brighter side….. a story about about a teacher making a difference, a playful puppy,  a  wacky windfall, a romantic vacation,executing a truimph  happiness, health, life and love.  Stories are everywhere…… happening in every way in every day….. just waiting to be told…(In my Haggled Housewife Life I am finally really reflecting on that….)

This year at my Non-profit the faculty as a whole is studying …Reflective Practice.  The first guest speaker which introduced the topic, was great….  funny, bright, smart, articulate and really make me think.  I guess that is why the coordinator introduced him as a GURU.  In my Haggled Housewife life most of my time is spent haggling over what I can’t do not bragging about what I can do.  (Probably sounds like and really is a bunch of doodoo.) (See I am paying attention to the the guest speaker …about reflective practice)  I really don’t think I am a GURU of anything…. just take today for example….while I am writing this I am doing a load of wash….and I forgot to check the sink for Gooney Gary’s rags and paint brushes…guess what happened …( yep… you are right……water is everywhere…) Gary is now ganging up on me…because he feels I should have been more observant and more aware…(PERHAPS MORE REFLECTIVE)

( I am NO GURU when it comes to the practice of clean clothes) or having a conflict free day… each of us stood with our hands firm on our hips …muttering muddy words under our lips about whose fault it really was…..  (I am no Guru when it comes to practice of being a “cool” mom, “snappy” dresser and need I say “table” setter too…. I always forget which place to put the salad forks.  )(While I am on the subject….wink,wink)

Although my experiences are beginning to teach me that…as I reflect back on some of my past posts…unless the light is reflected in some ways..you can stay in the dark… ..(no wonder I was constantly stubbing my toe) (One time I may have even chipped my tooth….) Buzz words such as thoughtful and respectful are being lit up  marquee style in my bedroom now ) I also have  finally got my flashlight…handy….under my soft, soft pillow….) (Which as a matter fact is now a little more lumpy) but it has become a solid staple in my brave..strong and smart… HAGGLED HOUSEWIFE LIFE…survival kit….

This past weekend Gooney/Gorgeous (still stinging from the washer incident)(That is why I slash gooney with gorgeous)  Gary and I went garage saleing ( it was fun) and we bought a couple of cute cheap unique playful things ( Uggh… did I just say stuff ) for the TLC house and of course Cobey because he was with us begging us “What about this…”"What about that” but the day was a neat treat and we actually did something together rather than work and worry and as an added bonus I got to hone my haggling skills because as you know….even though I am the Haggled Housewife they still sometimes stink literally and figuratively…(wink,wink) when IT COMES TO HAGGLING…..(Whining on the other hand…got that covered…flashlight down…)

Reflecting back, believe it or not this September marks a whole year when I started to try to sell my book ( or my story) per say.. about my Recession Reflections (Oh, My…how cliche….)  A couple of days ago I made Gary pinkie sware ( just one more year with the post office box) .  I know I need to reflect more in the up and coming weeks on what I really want with my writing…and decide again to try to make more contacts, more proposals, more out reach about my book and writing…it is not going to haggle itself….and I can either give up or try again to reflect in the light (Oh…my gosh…I wrote a whole chapter in my book about this…. called…Lisa’s luminous light) (Sometimes how quickly we can end up back in the dark….)

For now… I am working on color copying my photo of Oprah and me at the WAX MUSUEM…and hanging it up front and center in my dining room…as not to lose total OPRAH HOPERAH (You know..she is still on for another year) … Reflecting so much can happen in a story over a course of a year.

Throughout my life I have had many old errors…involving  overlooking or pretending to over look little truths and big truths…such as my shoes aren’t so much scuffed, my roots in my hair did take, my breath is only a little stinky (wink, wink) , my eyesight really isn’t squinty ( I just wear glasses as a fashion statement) (Yeah…I know…. ) I know how to spell, Oprah will finally put me on her show…I can stand up straight, fluff my hair and I didn’t really gain that much weight (yeah…right again….) Trust me the haggled long and lengthy list can go on and on and on….

When it comes to the tough stuff ( the new truth), the real stuff …the heavy heart stuff…I really still struggle and make old errors.   I try to be honest about my life not being perfect (anymore) instead of covering it up..what scares me, angers me, and is overwhelming for me.  When I was younger…only a child…my Grandpa used to say to me and everyone around me… “Lisa… you are just too tenderhearted.”  “You are a worrier and someone who shouldn’t know about anything.”  To my Grandpa this meant it wasn’t a good thing to tell me something sad, mean, unreasonable or worrisome.  He would always say…”Don’t tell Lisa…she is too tenderhearted.” (”She needs to be protected”) I guess as my life went on  I just kept up with the charade over the years…closing my eyes…squinting them tight…looking the other way because I was afraid of conflict, pain, sadness and maybe even compromise.. ( or s—was it just because I wouldn’t wear my glasses?!!!!)(Because he told me that my eyes were really okay)  (Now you know how I think I became my famous big OSTRICH character) (that you know and love)

Honest to you, I probably did it in my first marriage as well as I do it in this marriage, my relationship with my kids, my friends and my parents.  Living in LALA land ( no not California…of course I am from Jersey) but let’s not look at this too closely town…… because it may be too painful, stinks, sucks and hurts is a new truth in its own way. Although it does have it advantages and disadvantages at times…(PRETENDING SOMETHING JUST DOESN’T EXIST) …. I think I just say a beautiful butterfly flutter by… of crap it really was a bumble bee ready to sting me)

When certain  issues come up that I finally stumble upon or really see because they have become compounded due to cover ups, and are literally and figuratively right in front of me… which  I am daily discovering more of  as I am demanding and trying to be more accountable for my GUS stuff.   (It is like a spectacular  firework show of guilt, pain, anger and sadness.  The scene of bright lights, blows and stand off of feelings and emotions.)(For me and for my family )  (You know…the good, the bad and the ugly show)  The sparks from the show…give burns and sores (literal and figurative) and I am trying hard to soothe them with suave and of course a band aide as well… Each of the people in my haggled life getting burnt in their own way. (Me included for sure)

It hurts me and my family and sometimes honest to you…I wish in a weird way…I could just make that old error (I think so do they….too ) and just leave it alone, leave it  unsaid just like I always did… but I am learning that some things really are worth haggling over… they need to be talked about and finally tried to be compromised with…… trying really hard to respect each persons feelings and wishes…. or before you know it you can be back to where you were before…even  before when you  started…(which is not very brave, strong and smart) (Actually…afraid, weak and stupid… (they are the opposites right?) and as you are learning in this interactive story… I am trying really really  hard to finally get past that silly shallow stage.

Now, I am not going to lie, I truly believe with my heart that I am finally trying to live my life as if it was a process and not a product (Boy did I learn that lesson the hard way) (and boy oh boy is that true) I have lived and probably will continue to life my life at times compromising my integrity, spirit and sense of well being sometimes just for a paycheck, peace of mind and not to make worrisome wave in a pitiful pool.  (You know I only have a baby pool now) Kind of like knowing when the right time is for the FIREWORK Show.    My friend and foe fiery fear has paralyzed me and petrified me into a state of still doing nothing at times  realizing sometimes the repercussions of my actions would be too much for everyone including me. (Nerve is a quality I really don’t have just yet…)

 I guess in this post I just wanted to let you know… I am slowly working on it now…trying to grow…change and yes… I will admit even  to my family (compromise) probably not the way I would like but I am working on it becoming more aware and taking steps, sideways, forward and (s—yeah back) to my old errors and new truths in my not so perfect happy haggled  housewife life.

I don’t know what I expected when I moved to the TLC house, an epiphany of my haggling to come to a halt perhaps.  Surprise, surprise, surprise….I am just haggling with new thingamabobs which I weisinerheimerly refer to as crab apples in the TLC house.  (We have a huge crab-apple tree in the front yard.)  One of them actually hit me on the head and maybe that is how I am having my epiphany…you know my juggling skills ( as well as writing ) (wink,wink) are far from being perfected…I can throw two apples up in the air comfortable…and articulate a tiny compound sentence but when I add the third or fourth crab apple or when it comes to grammatical tenses that when I start to get hit in the head ( and my sentence structure starts to suck).  The crab apples start to fall on the floor and the sentences start to make no sense even to me.

I kind of feel like that about the TLC house.  We have been working soooo hard a trying to make it (comfy, clean, smart, funny, cozy oh..okay just plain live-able(wink, wink).  That I feel like a tell tale cartoon…let’s see if I can use my honesty, humility, humor and right words….Picture one of my homemade slanted signs (out front of the house) held together with duct tape saying…..(Bestest house in Poomont) (then that is crossed out) underneath it it says (Bestest house on East Side of Poomont), (than that’s crossed off) (Bestest house on sophisticated street in Poomont) than that is crossed off)  Finally the sign that is left is BESTEST HOUSE WE CAN HAGGLE WITH IN POOMONT.  That is the sign that has to surely stay and the one I have to learn to feel comfortable with. (You know the …be what you are part….)

I recognized this when I met my new neighbor next door…..”Hello” she said.  “Hey”, I said…”You can finally see the house.”  (Remember I told you the TLC house has not had a haircut in over three years)(GUS terms…no bushes had been trimmed in a least three years)   When you sat down on the front stoop with a little cup of soup…you were enveloped in a big, big bushes…which towered over the house.  “Yes”, she said.  On side note, the mailman politely asked if we had bought the house because he saw me attempting to edge a garden path.  “Nope”, I said…”just renting”.  I said, “Just trying to make it a little easier on the eye…” “Good bye”, STINKY EYES HELLO SWEET EYES….”Good luck”, said the Mailman.  “Thanks”, I said.  Back to the main story……. “The house needs alot of work”, said the neighbor.  “Year after year, people rent the house and just don’t care.” she said.  “Ahhhhh”, I said that is true….”but we are here now and we care…”With the right amount of TLC…the house will be amazing”. ”Come in and see if you want…but we are not finished” Well, of course she wanted….( wouldn’t you?) She peeked around and looked around….”You did alot of work” , she said.  “Yes”, I said.  If it could be painted…Gorgeous Gary painted it ..if it could be covered up and accessorized I did it, with all of our stuff.  We did it for our kids, our self and our sanity and now finally we are almost done.  so it is time for us to go forward..we can’t go back, neither can the house by the way.  The house is  just about  to the point of what we are. 

Now that the summer is almost over..it is back to school, work and football.  It is no doubt that I will start haggling with the same familiar things in my life as well as finally putting trying to put our housing hustling issue aside for awhile. ( all right hopefully alot of while) (Even though I am seriously considering studying for my real estate license now….)  Please remember moving here I promised myself I would finally really start taking care of myself..more time for me…family life and living..not so much worrying and struggling …dare I  even add haggling?!(OH,MY!) 

Till next week’s wild writing (wink, wink)

I think my patience is running thin as well as I sat on a rusty pin…..which really doesn’t help my mindful mood.

I am physically and emotionally still exhausted and feel as if I am on extended vacation in a not so fancy hotel next to a giant roller coaster that I ride every day.

 (There I said it aloud….) Each day I get up and look around and think to myself …”Okay, when is this rocky ride and ticking time bomb trip over?”  “When am I going home?”  Then I think to myself…. “Silly/Stupid…you don’t have a home, you sold your home.”  Then I can’t stop myself, my eyes fill with tears. (Drippy tears and droppytears, this time stingy tears that burn my eyes.)   Or maybe the burning in my eyes is not from my fears, homesickness or sadness it is from all the cleaners, cleansers and painting we have done to the TLC house. 

 The truth is…  we are a little over budget on cleansers, cleaners and paint on what we predicted that we would need to fix up the TLC house.  (Sounds familiar right…but at least now it is in the hundreds it is what it is……(ME and MONEY)

After servicing “our” dryer/”Mr. Landlord’s”/ “The TLC Houses” dryer,  (does anybody really know who’s dryer it is anyway?) …It conked out again.  Mr. Meyer and I decided it was best to start new ( especially after one  expensive service call already) Honest to you, I think the dryer is the original one to the house (damn – off budget again) but it  is what  it is, if it isn’t this, it’ll be something else and what can we really do?????? …While I wait to hear back from Mr. Landlord , I hang Cobey’s clothes straight up on little clothespins that I bought at the dollar store.  When Mr. Meyer told me that the dryer was broken again… I literally and figuratively threw  all the socks from the sox box up in the air and didn’t shout…Happy Haggled Life… but shouted “Are you cruddy kidding me?”  (PARDON MY MUDDY MOUTH..I wish I could wash it out but I am afraid the washer than would conk out.) (WHAT IS  it WITH ME and me the cleaning appliances?!)

As we know everything figuratively and literally comes out in the wash and I guess THIS experience is no different than I struggled with before at The Haggled House.  I don’t know what I expected …my life to turn so easy…stress free and not so sad …so sarcastic and so haggled because I sold my haggled house.  I mean I did move my haggled self with me to the TLC house. (Gosh darn it the washer and dryer are so antedated.) (Just like my goofy ranting and raving (LCL)).  

  The TLC house forces me to face my life’s imperfections.  I can’t hide behind my fancy facade anymore.  It happened to me at the TLC house’s  block party.  I introduced myself to all of the neighbors and said….Hi!  My name is Lisa Meyer and I am the new renter in the not so fancy house.  My family and I are going to work really hard to bring the house back to a little life on a little budget …make it exciting and nice but it will take tender, love and care and then I shook each of their hands and felt just the TLC house feels living next to all the fancy houses on the block. (Yeah… I did just say…how the TLC house felt before we moved in…) (Yes…I do really realize I said how the house feels.  You know I believe houses although objects have feelings. )(wink,wink)

At the block party,  thanks  to our impromptu Luau decorations…(A special shout out to all of Kay’s parties) I think we pulled out all of the Meyer something from nothing stops with a tiny bit of dignity, a tiny bit of  class and a tinybit of silly humility, even though we had no shade or grill.

  I bought hero’s from the supermarket and fried chicken and my friend Sue made macaroni salad.

The really nice neighbors across the street offered us the use of their tree and then their cabana (THANKS NEW NEIGHBORS!)

They even adjusted it for us… several times as the sun moved around.) (I really need to buy one of those things for my haggled life.)(First I needed it in the pouring rain last year at Poomont Day and now I needed it for our block party…)

It even looked like we wanted to participate ( and really we did…/do….) we are just so far from being in the party play mood (But we did it willingly for COBEY)

When I put out the baby $9.99 pool of water at the end of the driveway…accompanied with a large blow up palm tree….(don’t forget about the luau theme).  He said “Mom”, no one will even want to go in that.”  (I knew that…but I guess the baby pool was symbolic of something else.)

  I laughed and said….”Hey, you never know…”, really feeling sad and sorry for myself and my son. It was kind of bittersweet, here we stood in front of a baby pool in front of someone elses home, on a strange and unfamiliar street…trying to blend in and pretend everything was neat….

 Realizing if we were really home everyone would be swimming in our pool in the backyard at the Haggled House.     I at that moment….I recognized my life as well as his was not the same and never would be again.  That I would really have to learn to make the best of what I really had to offer at the time.

Leaving the Haggled House to come to another feels so indifferent for me and I can’t believe I have stayed away for almost a month already.  I know I couldn’t have left without my family…Gary, Kayla and Cobey… and  if not for them I really would be so lost.  (Not just pacing around in a funk and haze)  They for sure make everything much better, that I know.  I giggle and gasp when Cobey says …”Come with me , MA”, I am too scared to go downstairs.” I feel the same sometimes but pretend I don’t….to Cobey , Gary and Kayla.

 Gary is working so hard to paint everything in sight to make it so much better for me and the kids and himself as well.

I think at times we have never worked harder at something.    I of course still  struggle with gratefulness and resentfulness at the same time.  Now when he says “There that is better”  although all I want to do is  scream and shout ….”Are you crazy?”  “Are you in doubt?”  We can’t live here…. I (WE) can’t be without…(my pool, hot tub) I told you I am like a silly spoiled stuffigan shrew but instead I take a deep breath, smile and say “Yes, you are right …  it  looks  much better” ……and it does.  I was honest when I told you the space of the house is amazing and there are substantial…beautiful…loving….funny changes.  I do see them and feel them with own eyes and heart!  So do the people that are starting to come about, either that or they are just really good tricksters and liars.

  When both Gary and I get frustrated with something  in the house we can not fix…. (on the cheap) sometimes…I just say to him…”It is what it is and that is it.”  (I tried for four hours to get the tinted paper off the front windows, I was wondering why it was so dark in there and finally just really gave up….)(DID I JUST FINALLY ADMIT TO GIVING UP ON SOMETHING AS SHALLOW AS TINTED WINDOWS) (WHY YES I DID )

Honest to you, though  late at night I sigh when I get into my new/old bed, I am  really relieved and grateful to really have this “cool” place to live to have survived and come out still standing and actually smiling sometimes.

I am of course am  always humbled in my haggling and really honest to realize how lucky and fortunate I am in my life.

  Recognizing the story and emotions are still going on…it is just really hard to realize a  substantial part of your life is over …and you can’t go back… especially when it feels like maybe it was the best part and you are still very scared and unsure about what will happen….

you cry ….afraid that you will only really stay stuck… or as well as in my sake… try to be brave, strong and smart and have some fun…..(I just put my two thumbs up as I typed that, and wiped my “cleanser” tears away)

  The truth is …it is what it is. If it isn’t this, it’ll be something else.

I guess it it is time to end this post too, realizing I also can’t write anymore.  I think I said everything I can for this week…..

To next weeks…explore…. if it isn’t this , it’ll be something else, I am sure. (LCL)

Actually this week….. I am cutting the rope of the loose noose between the Haggled House and the TLC house.  Squaring up on some bountiful baffling bills and stealing ( oh all right ) buying some semi new stuff to spruce up the TLC house…..The bogus bills on the Haggled House outweigh any I have seen yet to date and it is certainly times like this —-that I am reminded why I needed to move.  The bulky bills seem almost like my haggled life – a serio comic cathartic confessional in their own right.  Honest to you, catch up was next to impossible unless Oprah finally really called… and since that just didn’t happen just yet – it looks like this Haggled Housewife hailed a costly cab to the other side of town just before she stopped blowing bubbles in her hot tub.

This week I wallowed with willies about the recession,(My ugly unkind muse and daily dark companion)  the first time in my local paper..with an article about the link between the recession and the onset of depression.  The article stated when people lost or lose their jobs they feared or fear losing their houses and then losing their families.  Anxiety, stress and worry causes the depression which then in turn causes the suicide rates to go up.   This year as well as the rate of suicide , the use of help hot lines also has went up.  With unemployment at a breath taking toll and health care costs continuing to climb, the economy is extreme for everyone.  Which brings me to words about side story #2 in this blog post.  (Now that I do it weekly) I have to fit in alot more wise words …in a short time and space.

After one day in our new TLC house…Cobey meets a new friend on the block…right across the street from him ( he is one year older than him) (YEAH RIGHT) (Well….actually wrongo) because two days later we learn his new friend is moving because he rents the house he lives in and the  …monthly payment went up to an almost staggering $3,000 a month.  So now he has to move.  It seems sad, shameful and silly that families are faced with moving because of the high cost of affordable housing.  Now more than ever times are tighter…I still am very fearful and frightened that the economy will continue to sting, stress and strain…seniors, middle aged adults, young adults, and children.  Families will feel it (like mine and the one I just mentioned), marriages will muddle (like how I mention mine does) and all members of society will suffer in one way or another way.  A nine and a ten year old sharing stories about moving for similar reasons on the same block…seems like some hideous hilarity in my serio comic catharic confession haggled housewife life…..

So finally story #3…. the one I want to find words for ….the one I wanted to write last week.  It is during times like this that I am humbled in my haggledness and I hang my head.    Recognizing and realizing for some moments in life there are no words….my story is only really a story because I have chosen to tell it…..  because I wanted and needed to try to do something to change it or stop it… so that being said I will try to use my pretend story telling suave I have saved for special occasions….  and find the words to write about a friend/coworker of mine.

As a Haggled Housewife, you know I don’t get invited to many playful parties or Saturday Soirees and when I do..I just sit there like a cranky  silly shrew… I don’t have many friends per say…Sure, I have the old ladies and my four gal pals as well as my best-est GEORGIA PEACH… I have the occasional acquaintance or two but truthfully I think only really five people really like me at work and now unfortunately after last week the new number is four.  You see my friend died and I am extremely sorrowful by the sudden surprise…. so much so that I feel really bad, mad and sad.  Just not the same.  I know it is the grief and the pain – that is always so lame. I despise grief …it …feels my soul with a sadness I  just don’t like experiencing.    I think  it is a somber shame…… to lose a friend.

You see the lady (Miss. Jean) I want to share my words about was strong and self assured.  She was funny.  She was bright.  She was witty…. and she was tough…. she was fair and honest…good natured and good hearted too. If you knew her like I knew her she was a softie like one of my comfortable old  teacher shoes. She was the type of person who really cared about other people…now honestly she was opinionated, and a little sharp…straight and to the point and sometimes her mannerisms gave me quite a fright.  She was an extreme rule follower ( not like me in any of the sense) we in fact were opposites ..She would give you everything she had and trust me as her colleague and coworker never fear I asked her for alot. I always knew she would be there for me….truthfully…she never let me down.

She mixed the bleach for me when I couldn’t get to work on time, she fixed my computer four times when I knocked it off line and when my kids were dancing on their beds during nap, she rapped on the window and gave them and me that necessary teacher stare.  She lent me toys for the kids to play, made me signs and posters, and got me oil for play dough, she lent me money and gave me free stuff.  Although she could be a little rough.  She complained to me and about me about the noise my class made and the mess I and the class made everyday. (to my supervisor as well)(she could be a bit of a mini meanie)

She always put me in for the lottery even when I wasn’t at work and if by chance she didn’t I shouted at her…and she said “All right…next time.”  I followed her in the morning when she would take her cigarette break and I would stand next to her and try to inhale her second hand smoke.  “Here blow it over here…” I would say “Would you get away?!” She would say.  “I can’t “, I would respond while smelling the sickly sweet smell of nicotine.  She would move my car when it was stuck and I couldn’t do it. Without her glasses to… she would shake her finger at me and say…”When are you going to learn how to drive?” To show her how much I loved and appreciated her for everything she would do for me…. I would bring her boxes of wine because she said she liked those best..you see she was down to earth and not one that you had to pretend to impress.

And when it came to my book, she was honest and real ( although it  did initially kind of hurt my feelings a little)  She told me…flat out..she would be interested in reading my book but she could not see paying $19.99 for something that …..she literally said … “What the -ell kind of book could you have written?” so I gave her a photo choppy copy because I wanted to know what she thought  After she read it she said she liked it and she said she was surprised.  She rated it an eight out of a ten.  She even read my blog and made a comment.  (See the one where I drove to work in the snow)  If you know  Miss. Jean (an eight out of ten for her is pretty good).  On the last day of school she hung out in my room for an hour and 1/2.  We talked like we always did about the past, the present and the future.  (our jobs, our kids, our lives).  There is no doubt in my mind she lived her life the best she could all of the time.  She was comfortable with who she was not like wishy washy me……

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention..it was her who found my $78.00 late overdue library book, when she was substituting.  She called me on the intercom and said in her smug singy songy voice….”I found Piggy in the Puddle for you……” I said…”The other teacher said she didn’t have it.” “Where did you find it?” “On the bookshelf”, she laughed.  “Oh man”, I said.  She remembered…that I had ransacked every class because she truly cared about me…she could have just left it there but instead she went out of her way.

As I drink my glass of wine tonight…I will make a silent toast..because in fairness ….. for some moments in life there are no words…I toast Miss. Jean’s life, grateful to have shared a small part of it as her coworker, colleague and friend.    My work day will not be the same without her anymore….in fact as she always said…it was her who taught me everything I know at my nonprofit (she was my first partner).  Now that she is not here I fear I will fumble, make mistakes because she won’t be there to tell me a joke and share a smile and give me any more advice and help.  As a Haggled Housewife….. I am one good friend less.

My thoughts and prayers go out to Miss. Jean’s family.  Rest in Peace (Miss. Jean) I will miss you!

 I think sometimes in everybody’s  life..they just don’t know what to do …. every option really doesn’t seem right…but doing nothing  just isn’t right…so they try a bunch of different things…  because the know they need to do something … and wait and see what happens…. and then finally when something finally happens they  need to brave, strong and smart (although you don’t necessarily feel you are being any of those things) do what they think  or really  need to do and keep their fingers and toes crossed that everything will be okay.  (Well that’s where I am right now….) (fingers and toes crossed and still scared)

In the end… I left SISSY a beer in the fridge with a handwritten note attached to it.  I wrote in my messy script…”Sissy”…”We leave you this beer and our best wishes for a lifetime of hope and happiness in this house.”  “We want you to enjoy living and loving  in it as much as we did.”   Fondly, The Meyers ( short and sweet and to the point) (The actual idea came to me when I was scrubbing out the fridge for her.)  There was a half a stick of  butter,  2 quarts of lime juice, an icee pop and a leftover beer left inside the fridge)  So I went with the beer…. thinking she would like that the best….(GOOD CHOICE ..RIGHT? ….)  instead of Cobey’s left over cherry icee pop…(wink,wink) I was proud of myself…not only that I cared enough to scrub out the fridge for her but that in the end I left love in the house…

I would be lying to you if I didn’t say…I wasn’t homesick…. this week for the HAGGLED HOUSE  ( I still struggle with the emotions I am feeling…regret… remorse…. sadness…shame…. unfamiliarity…..surprise..shock…guilt…grief )( IT is probably just plain shallowness)  I really can’t use one word to sum it up but if I had to it would be homesick….)For what I don’t necessarily know..(you know I don’t like to lie and I keep pretending I am not) but honest….. I do miss my familiar surroundings…my pool, my hot tub, my waterfall, my bathtub, my office, my luscious lawn, my granite counter tops ( oh…okay we didn’t have granite counter tops) but I definitely miss my microwave.  (We are finally buying one today….) (so maybe that will soften the weight on my toe of the other murky material possessions I am painfully pining over …..)

Truthfully…. this week the  TLC house, although spacious, looks dumb and different to me.  My stupid stuff, although it is mine, looks ill fitting inside of it… (How mature can I really be) and this week I am for sure crabby and cranky towards Goon Gary.  – this week I am definitely playing the blame game….and I continuous think to myself and out loud to Goober Gary….”You must be completely crazy to think you can shine this spot up and make it sparkle” …”It is just too much and a bit overwhelming…. for a Haggled Housewife like me”…. I shout as I unpack box number 102.  Even the Verizon guy agreed with me… on the too much and overwhelming part…  as he had a monsoon marathon day of twelve hours…..( there were wires everywhere)  the dryer guy also agreed (Yep…you read right our dryer conked out after the  second day of being here) ( Our washer conked out the last week at the Haggled House as well….) (whats with me and the appliances…..) After I and Sue spent a half a day stenciling a silly saying on my “new” kitchen walls..the dryer guy said…. “look…… someone wrote all over the walls with magic marker” and these colors …”If I was the landlord someone would have to pay for that..” I swore after that I cried for an hour… big droopy tears and little drippy tears (I guess ketchup and mustard colors aren’t for everyone) When Kayla asked me what was wrong…she started laughing…she thought that was the funniest comment she had ever heard.

Thinking, working, painting, organizing, unpacking, decorating?(wink,wink), crying, laughing and drinking (coffee) as well as (wine) …(my coffee and wine bar are finished for that matter ) will continue for sure this week…into next… and honest  I am making a little leeway I only missed the turn to get home twice this week and I was invited to the block party on my street  Saturday…. finally something “new” to haggle about….rather than my  homesickness…(LCL)

The TLC House is very different from the Haggled House and as we know different is just different sometimes…. As I mention in my previous post the TLC houses space and larger living area is amazing…and Mr. Landlord’s words of wisdom and permission to improve the property in anyway help keep my spirit soaring….. “I hope you have a great time living here…”  His words also  keep me going when I feel like putting my head to the ground like that the big ostrich I am used to being… I think to myself and actually say out loud quite frequently…in the TLC house… “You are too brave, strong and smart for sticking your head to the ground…”Get to work… you are moving in less than a week…”This is not the time to feel sorry for yourself by whinging and whining.    Although I have been having  devils food cake for dessert  every night. 

Probably the biggest difference besides the in ground pool, hot tub, pond, waterfall and humongous deck ( wink,wink) is the way the houses look… The TLC house is well worn ( inside and out) and the Haggled House is well kept (inside and out)…  The TLC house has probably not had a haircut in about three years… sorry in GUS terms ( the bushes haven’t been trimmed in three years)  The Haggled Housewife bushes are trimmed and manicured every week. 

 Funny in my book, I write that when Gary got slow with jobs…I stopped getting my hair done for two years…I still literally and figurative feel and look like the TLC  house looks…seems silly but it is true.  One can not stop themselves from noticing the sharp contrasts between  the houses.  The initial shock and suprise shows on every one’s face  who has already paid me a visit ..even though they try to hide it…I see it in their eyes and feel it their  hearts…. (cracked crappy blacktop vs. pristine paver walkway) (inground pool vs. big mud pile) ( stainless steel appliances vs. different colored appliances)  takes a little getting used to.. even for visitors… and it looks like Gary and I are a little loney… ( did I just say that) to leave the Haggled House and move to the TLC house.     I wonder out loud to you if I  really I ended up living here because I still  need to find a balance of caring about myself and where I live.

When I am in the TLC house… I still sometimes see the many imperfections and other times I don’t… I kind of feel like I am on vacation.  Being on vacation is a different feeling for me as well. Like I am staying somewhere for a little while….  In fact for now…. I literally and figuratively have turned the backyard into a make shift campsite with all recycled materials due to all the shade and trees and lack of grass. (wink,wink) I even layered it will all the signs and blow up leftovers from Princess ALYAK’s infamous LUAU party.  July is LUAU month and August is Fiesta Month.  I saved the Cinco de Mayo decorations (for now) ……

As real time goes on it is my hope..and goal to have Gary’s friend the COP Carpenter build me a make shift landing..something real simple but cool and lake like ( also something to stop the mud)(I have some pretty plans) The backyard definitely has a rustic feel and is for sure the most challenging space of the entire of house for me….

Showing a little tender, love and care to the house has required me for sure to use my resiliency, creativity and something from nothing traits… I always brag about….. ( remember I have no real money anymore..nor can I really afford to keep investing it into where I live) so everything now..has to be done on smart, sneaky and cheap ( at least to we get a little bit back on our feet)….Thank goodness I picked up the 10 pairs of $1.00 Old Navy flip flops)I keep throwing them out because of the mud…

Lucky for me…I am not alone.. during this travel….I have family and friends…besides for the real ones (Kayla, Gary, Cobey, Uncle Harry, Sue, Nora and Tessy)(and a special shout out to my Girlfriends son for moving the extra heavy things for $50.00) As well as my best friends words of compassion, concern, encouragement and helpful handy advice) When ever I want to stop… I say….”Denise…will surely kick my butt when she finds out I am afraid of a little glue…”

 I swear the Three Headed (Should, Could and Would (ve’s) monsters, GUS, Fred and STAN have also come to help out as well.   ”Turning back and quiting is not an option.”..GUS cheers me on…”It is what it is” ”and it is really  not bad….  STAN says…. You are in a great neighborhood, it is quiet ( no more damn train) and look at all the space you have.”  While removing 20 years on contact paper from the cabinet with a blow dryer over the high heat I hear the three headed guys finally admit…. “Wow…these cabinets are like brand new now…”  A ”new”  guitar literally and figuratively appeared in the back closet for FRED so he can maybe finally change his repertoire to campfire songs as opposed to serenading me with wrong songs.

Fixing the TLC house on the cheap is silly, fun, rewarding, challenging sad and sweet and takes alot of elbow grease  …( wink, wink) I feel like  I first did 16 years ago when we rented the run down house…but I also remember some of the best times there…at the start of our marriage… I do hope the vacation feeling that I have stays with me for awhile…being on vacation is actually a pretty good feeling. A feeling I like and could get used to….

Funny…the Haggled House seems so formal and fancy now… almost like someone else’s house ( wink, wink)….   Maybe it was the 39 trips back and forth or it is the lack of personal belongs left.  (Three days left to the actual move)…Although I am  really am not sure where I live for now… honest to you …I guess these feelings are to be expected when you travel …..no matter what happens , it is giving me a story to tell.